>I am NOT my mother!

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I love being a mom. It is the greatest thing to have happened to me. I pride myself on being a good mom often to a fault. I love my children with every part of me and want them to be great adults. But at one point do you feel that you are just too hard?

Today I lost my temper. My sons have a habit of sneaking candy into their rooms, eating it and then hiding the wrappers where they think I won’t find it. Now, I do not deny my sons candy, they can have it just not everyday. So tonight when I found all of the wrappers, I lost it, completely lost it! I screamed, I cried, I tore up their stick chart. I went ballistic! “What did I do?” I begin to think to myself. “Am I that bad of a mom that my kids have to sneak around eating candy?” Is it emotional?

Then I am fraught with guilt, I lost my temper over candy wrappers! They are just little boys! They are curious and mischievous at times. And I lost it to the point that my kids were scared. Scared! And in that instant, I remembered that my mom did the same thing, evoked fear.

I have become my mother! The very thing some women say when they become mothers themselves, “I will not be like my mother!” My mother was 4’11″ and made it very clear that SHE was the boss. We never had privacy, forget about keeping a diary, boys, please only if they had a ring in hand and came from good stock. Punishment was brutal and she made sure that we were excellent children. And she did with a stern hand and harsh words. I can’t be her! No way!

But tonight, in my kids’ eyes I saw myself as the child looking up at my mother with fear. What have I done!? How did I become my mom?

Part of it is yes, Hubby is gone and I am left to handle things on my own. But, if I get mad like this now, then this deployment is going to LOOOONG! They are kids too and are well being kids and seeing what they can do, testing the waters. I don’t expect my sons to be perfect just good. Listen, be respectful and compassionate human beings that can do good in the world. And since I am currently a single mom, I have to do this on my own. My mother did, even though her way was harsh. But I never got into deep trouble, I did rebel, a lot! But not to the point where she feared for my safety or for my life. I too was testing the waters.

So what am I doing, well after I stop crying and feeling guilty for reacting they way I did, I will re-read the article Dr. Kenneth Gingsburg on how to raise resilient children. I will look up articles on www.babycenter.com on disciplining and rewarding positive behaviors. I will beat myself up a bit more and then look at myself in the mirror and know that I am good mom who still has a lot to learn. I may still be like my mom in ways, like they way she taught me to stand up for myself and that as a woman I can do anything. But I can change how I am with my kids and not react like my mom. My kids mean the world to me and I will do anything to make that world a better place for them.