Ugh! Really!

It’s me again, and yes decisions are my achilles heel these days. Wishing that I could decide on what to do with my life much like how I decide on what pair of shoes I want to wear. But life is not that easy.

Business is slow and I am in the midst of looking for a new position and going back to school. I have so many things that I want to do and that I want my kids to do. My life is looking great and I am happy. However, there is someone in my life who is expecting for life to go back the way they want it to be. All about them and their career. They are the father of my children “C”. “C” is a great person, smart, an excellent father and great at their job. As partners, friends and parents we are great. I on the other hand, am not sure if I want more.

His job is sending him someplace else far away for work. I love this place and cannot wait to visit. But part of me is comfortable here. My fear, to give up my life for “C” and be unhappy again. I knew going into this relationship what it entailed and the certain sacrifices I had to make. But at some point I needed to do something for me. I wanted my sons to see that mom could do anything and in turn that they can do anything they want. That they can achieve their goals and be accomplished men. But “C” wants the perfect life (at least what is perfect to him.) Me staying at home, while he achieves his goals and dreams.

As much as I did like that, I was ready for more, which is why I have separated. “C” was never happy with me having my own life. He was supportive but was expecting me to go back and fulfill my duties as expected.

Yes, I am selfish, I want what is rightfully mine, my life! I want to finish what I have started. I want Modern Woman to grow and flourish, I want to finish my education I WANT IT ALL. “C” and I are at odds.

Yesterday, what made me decide to post this on my blog was a conversation I had with a colleague, Howard Sambol. He is a coach, and even though we talked business, he made me think about what he and I are all about, transition.

While I help those with finding a new career or help with those who want to go back to school, Howard maps it all out. Last night when I got home, after dinner with my sons, I mapped my life. And sadly, “C” was barely in it. When it came to deciding about the boys and their education and how to raise them, yes, he was there but that was it. I sadly did not see a future with him, not like before. It hurts my heart to say that but it is how I truly feel. And that is scary!

I want so much to make the right decision and not lose myself. Often, women do that, we lose ourselves and often have a hard time finding a balance that allows to be all these roles we take on while just being us. We have strength and grace, we carry so much on our shoulders and we come out of things wiser and more apt to take on more. We are the caretakers and the nurturers, the doctors and ceo’s of so many things. That it is important to stop, look in the mirror and know that you are looking at yourself and not some role. Take off the hat, and let go. Not forever, just until you see fit. I still have my hat off.

So, time will be of the essence when I finally make the ultimate decision. I my heart to feel good about the decision. Because the last thing I need is for anyone to get or feel hurt. And I hope that I can not be selfish.

So if you are trying to decide a big or small life change, and you need help, contact me and I can put you with Howard (www.breakthroughcoaching.cc) or if you just need to know that you are not alone, contact me too.

Choices we make in life will affect something or someone and you (me) need to know that it is ok to do so. Live for yourself, live for your children. Just live your life.