Change?
So as you probably figured it out I am all about change and how change can be a good thing. Well today will be the posting of how change may not be so good.
You see, the father of my children is Army and of course we have moved a lot, I cannot complain I have lived in places I never thought I would live and have met some amazing people. But part of moving so much and putting the focus on him, has been me giving up things I want to do for myself so his career and the boys can flourish.
Well when we moved to our latest destination, I was bent on getting my education squared away and working. It was what got me to start Modern Woman, Inc. Because change was a part of my life I knew I could share a story or 2.
Well I got news that change might happen again. Oh yes, MOVING!
Now, I have always been up for an adventure, excited to see what the next place held for me. I was not one to settle in one place for too long, until I moved to Virginia. This place was made for me! Much like my home state of Oregon, I had mountains and trees. Amazing cultural sights and sounds. And good food! There was always something to do and I love it. I was also well on my way to going back to school, enjoying going back to work and looking for schools for my kids. I made great friends that are dear to me. Now I do not want to let go of this life I created for myself and for my kids.
Yes, I am sounding very selfish and know that the same opportunities will be available to me wherever I go. I should expect this, it is the life I promise I would live no matter what the situation was. My sons also deserve to be around their father.
But for a long time I lost myself, for the sake of his career. I was proud to be the pillar of support. After a while, I got lost. I gave up things to make his life better. Yes sacrifice is something we do at times, but when do you stop? I sacrifice still but wonder if I go back will I lose myself all over again?
Change is inevitable, I preach it all the time and believe without change you cannot move forward. Then why is my heart telling me to put the brakes on change?
I remember meeting a gentleman on the Metro one night, he too was army and spoke of his wife and how she did not want to move again. She felt settled and love their life. He was ready to move on to the next phase in his career. I agreed and told him I could move, no doubt!
Well…I am having doubts! My sons have a life here, I have a life here. I do not want to let it go. It feels good and comfortable. I know what to expect.
I never thought I would ever feel settled and now it has happened and I like it. Change is good, for the most part and is essential in life until you come to a part of your life you are just not that ready to change.
Can you be selfish once in a while? I suppose, selfishness is something we tell our children not aspire to. That you must share and take turns. My turn isn’t up yet! I am stuck on a decision that will change my situation in a fantastic way or a horrible way.
I want everyone to be themselves and strive to be myself. Be you, always…can you?
Lessons learned from experiences tell me that life will be fine. Current situation in life says otherwise.
Which way do I go?
I hear your heart ache. I hate to admit but, I have never been one for change unless it was forced upon me. I have gone from being a single gal to married with two children, to a widow, to having a younger man in my life and now a grand mother of 6, one of with lives with me.
I never wanted to married, but found myself pregnant at 19 and then you did get married. My first true force to change. After our first born was 3 months old, I found myself expecting yet again. I did have the support of my loving family, but they were moving back down south. I had NEVER been away from my family. A devastating change forced up on me. After our second child was born my husband decided we were moving to Oregon where his family lived. Yet again forced Change. I found myself in a beautiful state, but with no friends, family or support. My husband became abusive. I had asked a friend of my husband’s wife for help, but she didn’t want to get involved. My husband let it be known that if I were ever to leave him he would take our children and I would never find them again. I needed change! Change was desperate to me, but with no support, being young and scarred I stayed with the man. The next forced change was when we moved to a small town in Oregon for my husband’s job. Here I had begun to gather friends, some strength and independence of which he didn’t like. I’m embarrassed to say the police took my husband away one day after the neighbors heard me screaming as he sat on my chest beating my head against the floor. Like too many other woman, mothers, with my children begging me that “daddy feels band and won’t do it again” I allowed him into the home. I have to admit he wasn’t so physically abusive after that, but his emotional abuse didn’t stop. Finally making some changes for myself, I found myself working at a small gym gaining physical strength. Then taking a marshal art class, emotional strength. One evening my husband decided to smack me, and much to my surprise I hit him with a side kick. He was as shocked as I was, and demanded that I never hit him again. I demanded the same. WOW! That change was good and he never did hit me again although the emotional abuse was still there. He passing away a few years later due to a rafting accident which left me alone, bad or good it was an unexpected change. At this point I hade to make changes for myself. I left a job I loved with all my heart, but knew it would never go further. Left the small town had become comfortable with and hit the big town of Portland. I had met a much younger man, 12 years my Jr. We were off and on for years, until he moved to Portland as well.
After loosing both my parents within two month of each other, I started looking at my life to that of my Mothers. She gave up her job to stay home with me and my siblings never went to the Ballet, Opera or a play due to cost. Wanted to travel to Australia, but due to their age and illnesses never made it. She had always wanted a ranch in Texas, but that wasn’t what my father wanted. Now don’t get me wrong, I had the most loving, caring, attentive father the world has ever know, but after learning what my Mother had given up and what seems to me never reached her dreams. It made me take another look at my life. I asked my younger partner to move in; I traveled to Italy twice with girlfriends. My partner didn’t want to go or spend the money. With mother in mind I went with out him. I have also gone to the Yucatan, Belize, Honduras, and Jamaica mon. Gone back to school and loved it. I started a girls group that we get together once a month and do things from a weekend on Mt Hood, to the Coast. Ware our tiaras to a Disney movie and out to a wonderful dinner together. Jewelry making class to ceramics.
My partner does not want children, but we have had my teenage grand daughter move in. This has been an interesting change. Good or bad, it’s a change that we made.
I regret not leaving a bad situation when I should have; I regret not going back to school sooner. I regret not getting my children into a safe environment at an early age.
Again I have found myself comfortable, but unemployed. I must make a change into a different line of work and hope that change will be good.
Forgive the babbling my dear, I guess the point I should close with is check in your heart of hearts before making or not making a change. Will you regret not making the change or making it? It’s hard, weigh all the factors then jump in with both feet and go for what ever change you decide on and don’t look back.