The New Year!
Happy New Year! and change is upon us once again. It is time for new faces, new places and new experiences. The question…What does the new year hold for you?
For me it brings new questions and the realization that no matter what I have to accept things as they come and that I am the only person who can change. I cannot expect others to change nor can I make them change.
I have struggled with many life questions and have continued to learn and grow. I lost a dear friend, but have gained perspective. I have given up on a relationship only to discover that friendship is more important. I have looked in the mirror and realized that being a mom is something I love to be. And that I will continue to grow my business and learn from others.
The new year is always about change, we make resolutions and we strive to adhere to them only to not complete them. Are they that important? I am not making any resolutions this year. I am just going to continue to work on myself and my goals. I can honestly say I am looking forward to 2010. I am looking forward to meeting new people, learning new things and to finally get some questions answered. But all in all, to continue changing that is a part of growing learning.
So to all of you, I hope the new year brings you love, luck and happiness. And may you be prosperous and happy!
Happy New Year!
Lost it!
Friendships are important to me. They make my life a little saner.
I am very sad to say that I lost a great friend. She was my best friend, someone I knew I could turn to. But unfortunately, I guess I wasn’t that great of a friend and now we have parted ways.
She was an amazing person. A heart of gold and very caring. In some ways we are a lot alike. We both enjoyed being around our friends and having a good time. We both loved attention and we both cared for others.
I have kids and tried to make sure that I made time for my kids and for her. She was single and enjoying her life. At times I envied her, but knew that my life was the life I chose and nothing could be done. My sons are important and she knew that.
This is a hard break-up. Men may come and go but your friends and children will always be there. My friend is gone! At least not like before. Part of me is sad because I was not a better friend to her and part of me is angry, angry because I do not know what I did wrong.
She was I am saddened and hope things will change. There is that word again…change. But know that that won’t happen. Life must go on and I must move forward. I will get through, I have to make peace with this. As hard as it will be. Good Bye Dear Friend.
Realizing…
Little by little I begin to realize that the end of the world is not as close as I think its going to be.
My little epiphanies get me through the tough times when I least expect it. Realizing that a friend is just that….A friend and nothing more. That my friendships are what keep me sane. My sons are the greatest things to have ever happened to. Life is fine!
But there are those moments where my heart starts to pound and I get scared. I like someone who will break my heart, I losing a dear friend, switching to a different position in my career, career change, getting a divorce, staying in marriage. My mind races, I get flustered and I begin to panic. I start creating these scenarios where I am all alone and no one cares.
But they are mere exaggerations, my life is not over. I am making myself sick over nothing. And why? Because I am ok with change when it is on my terms. If someone decides to change things for me, I can’t stomach the thought. My life goes racing by and I have no control.
We are make our own choices, we decide what we want out of life and how to go about doing it. But let’s say someone did all of that for you. Your friend decided that they do not want to be friends with you. For no reason, they are out of your life. The thought is heart-breaking, but it happens. You are blindsided, no reason, they are just gone. It happens, and as hard as it may be, you pick yourself up and continue on with your life. Same thing with someone you have fallen hard for, you realize they are not the one. They can’t be, because your heart can’t bear the thought of not being loved back.
Realization! One would think it was a novel idea. But a necessity. You cannot go through life with realizing the important things. Realizing, that there is no happy ending, realizing that you cannot be friends with toxic people. Life is not over!
Without realization, my life would be a disaster. And there are times when I do not want to realize anything. I want to stay in my fantasy bubble. But I can’t do that to myself and to my kids. I take the deep breaths and I slowly (and its difficult) let go. I let go and know that I am ok.
Things happen for a reason. Things happen so that we may grow and learn. We stronger with every event, every heartbreak, every joyous occasion, every cry. We have to how else are we to grow?
Realizing is something that needs to be done every day. As women, we must and will always realize our full potential and what we can offer the world. As mothers, we realize the full potential in our children. As working women, what we bring to the table and to our organizations. And with every changing moment, that realization becomes so much more clearer and ever expanding. We share our stories and our fears. We embrace the change upon us and move forward.
I realize today that I am ok with what is happening. That I have bigger things to concern myself with. I have kids that mean to world to me, they give me purpose. My friendships are strong and stable and that it is ok. That my heart is fine, and that I am strong. Stronger than I ever imagined and am grateful to be this way.
Change comes with the realization that not everything is perfect. And that no matter what, you are the driver for this ride. You can either take control or let someone else do it. 
To whom it may concern…
Time is running out and I am not ready to make my decision. Fear has taken over and I am cowering away, can’t face facts. What am I going to do? I am not ready!
I am scared to death with how my life will turn out. Will I be a horrible person or will everything be awesome!??
My heart pounding, my pulse racing. My life will be changed forever. I hope I am doing the right thing.
Face it!
Bingo baby! Another Epiphany! I have had the biggest distraction. I toiled and turned about this, it ate me up. This distraction was keeping me from realizing what I needed to do. This distraction grabbed hold of me and had me spinning. Why did I let it happen?
I let it happen because the distraction was far better than reality. It made me fantasize and not think. The distraction was my way of escaping a life changing decision. Because sometimes dealing with a fantasy can be a lot easier than dealing with reality.
We all have to come to decisions that can be difficult. Do you go back to work? Do you quit your job to be a stay at home mom? Do you move forward or stay where you are at? Decisions! Decisions! Decisions!
The distraction that comes your way can be a hard one to shake. It grabs hold and may not want to let go. You do not feel like yourself and often can leave bewildered and asking why does this happen? Why do you act the way you do?
A distraction can be great for a moment, when all you need is a small break from reality. But it can’t last forever. It is just a fantasy and nothing more. But reality is not a bad thing, just a part of life. It is what we have to do, whether we want to or not. Face it, reality is where we are and live. We deal with it day to day and as long as we can face it head on.
It is never easy and very grown up. But in the end it is what is the best. For me, the distraction was intoxicating but at the same time, broke my heart. I kept racking my brain and asking why am I the stupid girl? Why am I doing this to myself and more importantly, my sons? WHY??!!
The distraction, I made it the distraction because I did not want to face reality and make a really big decision. For a moment, the distraction was great, but now it is time to get to the thick of it. The distraction played a weird role in my life, to make me look at myself and know that I will be ok. That the decisions I make in my life are ones that I do with my heart. And that I will be ok. And so will you! Face the decision head on, breathe, talk to friends, yell in the shower. But know that reality is not a bad place, its just adult! Face it! Move forward and feel the change!
The Fortune Teller
Halloween was fantastic! Went out trick or treating with my kids and then went out with my girlfriends. One of the best Halloween’s I’ve ever had.
I danced the night away, and decided to take a break and see what the rest of the festivities had in store. I went downstairs and saw the fortune tellers.
She had tarot cards and stated that this was just for fun. Well it was Halloween, and I was up for a little fun. So I sat down and shuffled the cards and we began. She asked me what my first question was, so since it was just for fun, I asked the question that oddly enough in a way, I was hoping would be made light of, should I stay with the father of my children?
What was suppose to be fun turned out to be serious, she said exactly what I had been going through, I was struggling with this decision for a long time now and that I need to make a decision soon. She also noticed with in the cards that I was struggling with how it would affect my kids, she told me that they would be ok with my decision.
In a way, it was comforting, despite the fact that I was not looking for a real answer. It was a party and I didn’t think it would be real. But for the first time, I believed in the magic. I have been struggling with my decision. Should I or shouldn’t I stay?
I have been struggling, trying to build my business and my brand, trying to be the best mom I can be and trying to live my life. I see the father of my children more as a friend and a co-parent.
The choices we make in life are never easy. Whether you hear from a Fortune Teller or not, they are decisions that need to be made. You want to go back to work, you want to continue or change careers, whatever the decision is think it through and realize everyone will be ok, especially YOU!
A Fortune Teller will tell what they see, it is up to the individual to make up their minds. For me, that Fortune Teller was the voice whispering in my ear letting me know that I am ok to feel this way, that I am ok in needing and wanting to make this decision. To do what is best for me and my sons.
What is your Fortune? Listen, retrospect and decide. You make the ultimate decisions. Embrace it!
Give Up a Lifestyle, Get a Life in Return – DivineCaroline
Ugh! Really!
It’s me again, and yes decisions are my achilles heel these days. Wishing that I could decide on what to do with my life much like how I decide on what pair of shoes I want to wear. But life is not that easy.
Business is slow and I am in the midst of looking for a new position and going back to school. I have so many things that I want to do and that I want my kids to do. My life is looking great and I am happy. However, there is someone in my life who is expecting for life to go back the way they want it to be. All about them and their career. They are the father of my children “C”. “C” is a great person, smart, an excellent father and great at their job. As partners, friends and parents we are great. I on the other hand, am not sure if I want more.
His job is sending him someplace else far away for work. I love this place and cannot wait to visit. But part of me is comfortable here. My fear, to give up my life for “C” and be unhappy again. I knew going into this relationship what it entailed and the certain sacrifices I had to make. But at some point I needed to do something for me. I wanted my sons to see that mom could do anything and in turn that they can do anything they want. That they can achieve their goals and be accomplished men. But “C” wants the perfect life (at least what is perfect to him.) Me staying at home, while he achieves his goals and dreams.
As much as I did like that, I was ready for more, which is why I have separated. “C” was never happy with me having my own life. He was supportive but was expecting me to go back and fulfill my duties as expected.
Yes, I am selfish, I want what is rightfully mine, my life! I want to finish what I have started. I want Modern Woman to grow and flourish, I want to finish my education I WANT IT ALL. “C” and I are at odds.
Yesterday, what made me decide to post this on my blog was a conversation I had with a colleague, Howard Sambol. He is a coach, and even though we talked business, he made me think about what he and I are all about, transition.
While I help those with finding a new career or help with those who want to go back to school, Howard maps it all out. Last night when I got home, after dinner with my sons, I mapped my life. And sadly, “C” was barely in it. When it came to deciding about the boys and their education and how to raise them, yes, he was there but that was it. I sadly did not see a future with him, not like before. It hurts my heart to say that but it is how I truly feel. And that is scary!
I want so much to make the right decision and not lose myself. Often, women do that, we lose ourselves and often have a hard time finding a balance that allows to be all these roles we take on while just being us. We have strength and grace, we carry so much on our shoulders and we come out of things wiser and more apt to take on more. We are the caretakers and the nurturers, the doctors and ceo’s of so many things. That it is important to stop, look in the mirror and know that you are looking at yourself and not some role. Take off the hat, and let go. Not forever, just until you see fit. I still have my hat off.
So, time will be of the essence when I finally make the ultimate decision. I my heart to feel good about the decision. Because the last thing I need is for anyone to get or feel hurt. And I hope that I can not be selfish.
So if you are trying to decide a big or small life change, and you need help, contact me and I can put you with Howard (www.breakthroughcoaching.cc) or if you just need to know that you are not alone, contact me too.
Choices we make in life will affect something or someone and you (me) need to know that it is ok to do so. Live for yourself, live for your children. Just live your life.
The Heart of the Matter…
It’s the title to a song that I have mentioned before. Don Henley, describing how he found out that his former love found a new one.
I cannot relate in the love department (my heart is still trying to figure things out.) But when it comes to friendships, it has become all too clear. I have noticed myself little by little reverting back to my college ways of creating friendships with those who have a way of playing you and of breaking your heart.
Ever since I have gone through so many changes and epiphanies, I have met some amazing people that I can honestly call friends and will keep them close to my heart no matter what.
But one person…just seems to represent everything I am trying to change in my life, I will call them “K”. They are charismatic, their magnetism is a bit intoxicating. They are confident to a point that you can’t tell whether they are putting on a show or that it is natural. They are the person you want but can’t have.
I found myself wanting to just be around them and found out that they are who they are because they need to show the world that they are not happy with themselves. Would they be a true and good friend to have? Or should I just keep my fascination with them from afar?
So much of what I talk about and what I built Modern Woman, Inc. was that you have to be true to yourself, be you! And if I am not going to be myself especially around this person, then what is the point? I cannot be worried about will they like me and will they want to be around me. I have other things to think about and be grateful for.
My heart has been bruised of the years and it has healed quite nicely. I have great friends, beautiful children and a company I can be proud of. And yes, I am going through some other mini-struggles all relating to relationships, I can know for sure, that I have put “K” behind me and know if they want to be true with me, I welcome them with open arms.
As Don Henley put it: I am putting the past behind.
So why talk about this, because I am one that holds on to things A LOT! and I need to let go of a lot. Relationships are hard for me to let go, especially if I am trying to end them, I can’t let go. If they ended it for me, I can’t let go which means I can’t move forward. My heart then feels heavy and I am left bewildered and left thinking “is it me?” I have for the longest tried to realize that things happen for a reason and that try as you might, they are going to happen. Acceptance is one thing, I still need to work on. Acceptance for the changes, acceptance that I can only change myself and my future. Acceptance that I am fine just the way I am.
The heart of the matter….letting go and moving forward.
